I'm just not a kid person.

I have no idea what kids, legitimate children, as in, not teenagers, do for fun these days. I don't know what the median age for discovering one's taste in music or movies is. I know nothing about popular children's television, about what kids are and aren't allowed to do, about what kinds of toys or games they like, or what is or isn't socially acceptable in their ridiculously juvenile cliques.

I've never come off as a child-friendly person, which makes it all-the-more odd that my boss would volunteer me to take on a job shadow kid for a day.

Last year, he pulled the same shit. I was stuck with a fourth grade girl for five hours. That wasn't fun, largely because I'm a fairly worldly guy. I had to go out of my way to keep my language and attitude squeaky-fucking-clean. The good news, last year, at least, was that kid seemed to be easily entertained by virtual mini-golf. That made my dealings with her fairly effortless.

The kid I got this year, a 12-year-old from a private school, wasn't even the slightest bit interested in the exciting world of aerial-view online putt-putt, though. Bad news, bad news...

The kid just wanted to draw, and by draw, I mean hog my personal computer to create absurd "houses" while droning on and on about how "interesting" it was. I did my best to make small talk and to help the kid out with advice on how to use the program, but he really wasn't interested in talking to me, he was more interested in ignoring me like a little douchebag and doing whatever the he hell he wanted to do on my damn computer. Kids weird me out. Know-it-alls piss me off. Know-it-all-kids weird me out and piss me off. Big time.

Don't get me wrong, I remember being a kid and being interested in all kinds of things. I never tried to act like I was significantly smarter than I was, though. I was always mature enough to know that there are limits to one's abilities; limitations are natural. I knew what my limits were and slowly and painstakingly learned to exceed them, to reset them. That's how people grow and mature, not by acting like they can do everything without help.

When the kid did want to talk, he wanted to talk about crazy shit, like ghosts. He told everybody that a "full-body apparition" pushed him down recently, not to hurt him, but just to let him know it was there. What the bloody hell do you say to that?

"Oh, that's neat," was my boss's response.

I couldn't be so courteous. I just stared, jaw gaping, thinking, "Are you fucking serious?"

I'm so glad that I've gotten better at keeping my thoughts to myself...